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Jun. 5th, 2011 | 03:03 pm

where it all started almost exactly four years ago. it kind of sucks, we seemed fairly close for so many years up to then, only to have everything ruined for petty reasons of selfishness. it may or may not have found a way to mend itself eventually if she didn't have her phase of e-fame at the time that I was instrumental in using against her later... we'll never know. even if it's her amidst all her flaws and rapidly declining personality at the time, I don't like to lose relationships to people I trusted, because I have only a handful of such relationships. for me the trust was obliterated when I felt she treated me like I was nothing to her when she didn't need anymore when I was most vulnerable and alone in a foreign country. for her I'm sure the trust was obliterated when I came home and used the net to hit her where it hurt her most. we don't need each other anymore and we're probably better off for it. at the same time, I still wish things worked out differently, and in some far-off and unlikely way they still could (but won't).

I'd write her a brief letter yet I don't know how to contact her, so I'm left to express these feelings here. life is too short for grudges. I forgive her for what happened and it's not any secret to anyone that knows me I'm extremely emotional and wear them on my sleeve, so my reactions and ways I manifested them were ruthlessly underhanded because I felt justified in it. I don't think she would forgive me because part of my revenge from the beginning was to make sure this lj simply wouldn't just go away but instead remain like a swollen tumor to bother her. it's long not mattered anymore and pretty silly it's still here, isn't it? I'd take it down and put it all to rest in a heartbeat if I felt she was genuinely remorseful not just for what happened in tokyo, but rather for what really upset me from the beginning: taking advantage of our relationship and my trust in her to act like she acted and did what she did. it was over nothing in the big picture but that's what hurt me: being made to feel worthless and so repugnant by someone when you're most vulnerable, by someone you piled all your trust in, by someone you genuinely felt would never ever do something to hurt you but rather save you because you saved each other so many times over the years.

it's kind of a sad story to me but understandably amusing to most everyone else. I only wanted to get it off my chest one last time.

Comments {33}


From: loserology
Date: Jun. 6th, 2011 04:02 am (UTC)

I still can't believe the similarity between our situation. I read this and I felt like I could've written this myself - it just sums up my feelings and my thoughts. Except mine was only in February, so I still feel more bitter towards it than you would now. I am a person who holds grudges. Although for me the trust was broken in the first week when she ditched me in places and I didn't want to be around her. Plus her constant mood swings got to me. And for her, it would've been when I asked for my own hotel room on the last night, so it was still very awkward on the plane home. I'm the same though, I want to forgive her, but she is not remorseful. She thinks there is nothing wrong with shouting at me in public for little things, ditching me at train stations. She wrote me a note with a half-assed apology, but in it she also blamed me for everything that went wrong in the trip (including me asking for my items back, which turned assertively when she wouldn't reply to me. This was my fault apparently?). But I'm not sorry because I did nothing wrong. And in all honesty, Emily didn't show any signs of remorse to me. She acted like how my friend did afterwards.

Just letting you know there is a girl in Australia who went through a similar thing so if you ever want to talk you can drop me a line on my LJ because I know exactly how you feel.

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