cigarette smoke UFO

boo again ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡ gimmeabrakeman (@Japanese4Morons on twitter) (victor) is still a creep. the same dude i long ago exposed him having woke up off the bed em and i shared absorbing his casting couch voicemail promising "connections" (dude has always and will stay a boring j-vlogger among many better) which came off like he had any clout but insisting em privately meet him.

i'm sure it's somewhere in this labyrinthian LJ but he DM'd me via youtube and in a panicky and angry mood tried to threaten me with nothing to threaten and i posted it for the lulz.
this dude is still around believe it or not and had nothing to offer the just like he has nothing to offer now as he continually entices young girls new to japan for his own creepy tendencies with no clout to offer but "come over......"

he names himself on twitter, among other things, the godfather of j-vlogging which is cringe incarnate but we'll let they go not let that go.

never trust anyone with zero clout no matter how long they've been a cringe "j-vlogger" but yearns to convince other young women new to japan they should meet up with him with a promise of "connections". if he had any, he'd be something himself. he's not anything after 13+ years..

be careful of this man as he's a predator at worst but a constant clout chaser at his best behavior. either way, avoid him. he's: gimmeabrakeman on youtube and @Japanese4Morons on twitter. listen to me from firsthand experience and knowledge. victor, give me a break, man...

city pop

surprise! just wanted to throw in the mix that it's funny and flattering some of you guys remember this place and even leave comments! it happens only every so often but over 12 years later, that's kind of cool isn't it? so much of my life has changed and traversed to so many vistas, hades to heaven and back again, and this place reminds me of the sad and stormy journey I've undertook since this silly internet drama detonated like starry spiders in the skyyy ~☆ 爆発!

oof. you know what? i'll do my best to hem a habit of writing here more often. just for fun. i reserve my main LJ but that's mine not to really be shared. shhh. this place is just special.

thank you to all of you for the fun, the memories, and flattery. i'm eternally grateful to everyone who could be part of this silliness over the years and indulge my personal life scattered throughout. i'm much better. gots epilepsy but also got ketamine infusion therapy to cure me of my lifelong depression. there's still a special journey left for me and maybe i can share some of that with you guys too.

shout out to kyaro, she moved to japan and am happy we can still be connected. shout out to all of the friends i've made over the many years because i created and kept this place. shout out to all of ya guys.

only dumb bitch hours here 24/7


this was my modest weeby setup in 2007 in one era where i resided then but more relevantly during the applemilk 'hacking' saga specifically. i'm a bit of a mobile person and have moved 11,000 times since childhood playing alchemist to each place i find myself, making some sort of life and living, transmuted from lead to a sunlit hydrangea knoll where i can secretly flaunt my bruises. still, this was my most lived-in bedroom i could recall, which was an emotional point of contention throughout my growing up. not pictured but i had another petite system booted from the womb of a USB stick to swallow if the door ever broke down from any authorities. you can never be too careful, more so in this day and age, but i've left that sort of play behind after an unrelated incident. i don't have to work any sort of job for a while, i'm good, i'm gone, but it's not any sort of life i would endorse for anyone. i have my work hours where i bang out my writing gigs one fragment after another (which admittedly isn't traditional "work" i know) but i was constantly drinking in the afternoon onward until i rightly pissed off my darling. women are always right.

also, my cats (when they were kittens at least). i love scrounging through old photobuckets. indulge me.

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if anyone possesses any means to reach kyna (kynapple), it would mean a world of warmth to me. having been dejected upon realizing her gmail account is invalid, i guess you could say this is as desperate as it becomes. however, if anyone does have some electron orbiting connection to be made to her, i would appreciate it beyond emotional measure. thank you for indulging; apologies for updating on here just for my own sake.

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I'm still being asked and piqued about this to this very day over five years later. Five years! I can't think of many things within my life that lasted more than five years. A handful of friendships, a first love, and ranked just below these: a weird blip on the internet involving myself and a girl I knew and traveled with that enveloped itself into an LJ, one that refuses to go the way of every other LJ I've ever had in my life: chronicling a relentless revenge to hurt the girl's ego as tidy and simple as could be. A bit shameful but I refuse to give in.

Poor Emily, I'm not looking to be condescending by any means, but perhaps the bitter sensation of her in my mouth has melted into something I can draw a fond memory or two from. I was much different five years ago. She has to be different too. Maybe. I'm terrible with recognizing faces but my brain hasn't been able to make hers out for quite some time. The rest of it I mismatch for myself in my own head and tell myself there was still something nice about her.

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without usual rambling dramatics, i'll be taking some modest credit for exiling emily off the internet, the only sort of acknowledgment i'll give way to myself before i move on. secret irc channels and witnesses to them aside at the time, saving myself from potentially construed illegalities, there's little reason to boast of anything else. the contributions to her exile matter the most too, i just wish i had the means to give due credit to those who both want and deserve it. i never cared for anything else and anonymity on the internet forever died just around the corner of when this comical mess of internet drama blossomed, but at least i adhered, or at least always tried my very best, to never desiring the pursuit of attention beyond colorless words and perhaps a few snapshots of myself here and there upon this journal just to at least prove i was a real person.

i never wanted or expected any of this to happen. it was fun while it lasted in a way and the complimentary generosity of support grown from this journal and friendships sewn from it will leave me grateful. i was never significant, just caught up in what was a stupidly amusing experience with a friend that drove itself awry in no particularly unique way except the magnetizing gossiping eyes abound, and took my time to play along at the bemusement pulled apart from all sorts of factors. i'm guilty of things but it's so irrelevant now, really, fuck it. i'm only really proud she's off the internet and her success or misadventures overseas are hers alone to ponder and criticize, just like my own life is equally off the radar of anyone but myself and perhaps those closest to me to give a shit. it makes me confused how this could have possibly lasted as long as it had but then it depresses me when i remember why.

so that's probably it. nothing really left to say or make public. whatever happens will happen. i was never used to this sort of attention and honestly it made me deeply uncomfortable when other people would come across me during a daylight excursion outside at school or wherever i'd be to recognize me enough to make a comment, ask a question, or muster even a compliment about any of this (it wasn't often at least). i tried a little to embrace it for a bit but my life was also a little different then; it's much more different now ornamented with these vividly aggressive facets and insulated challenges, my health being what it is, the static hysteria enveloping more than it should, so there is little left to add to what amounts to a "saga" in the most parodic sense. there are more important things in this world than giving the time of day to emily.

it was fun, though! thank you and goodbye.

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is this a livejournal reserved for emily stuff or is it open to anything else with an audience? i know i can write whatever i please but with so much free time on my hands (for now) i thought it to be worth asking whomever still reads here. she is boring to me and her internets were defiled so hard so long ago and her existence on it these days has been upgraded to "exiled" for a while. to be honest i'm not particularly concerned with what she does off the net - being in an indie bandish indie band or whatever the fuck that's about - because it's really, really not interesting. she is not famous. she has no discerned audience. there is nothing wrong with what she even does anymore. if she showed her face on the net in any meaningful way again, the story changes, but for now she arouses nothing. times change. the only people who have it in them to care are those that knew of her when she was interesting. maybe my senses are mistaken... i'm not very good at this, so you tell me.

she had no idea who i really was even when we were friends. she used my pc all by herself with no eyes watching, but she was polite enough not to poke around it and find anything. she didn't know my aliases. she didn't know with whom or what i was involved in at the time and sometimes i wonder if she had discovered enough, if it would've changed her behavior toward me, changed everything that exists here, if she could have comprehended who i was a bit better to give me a little better respect for my human dignity. it's just a thought. my only thought about her in a while. i'm not better than her in any tangible sense of measurement but it isn't about that; you criss-cross with some souls in this world and there isn't a unified theory that suggests you will always lay on the same grid together; remember there is no grid in a woken world with oxygen.

real life and the internet. who i am and who i am more. the fascination still gets to me.

anyway if there is space for content beyond her (not necessarily about me) just let me know. if not leave it alone.

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where it all started almost exactly four years ago. it kind of sucks, we seemed fairly close for so many years up to then, only to have everything ruined for petty reasons of selfishness. it may or may not have found a way to mend itself eventually if she didn't have her phase of e-fame at the time that I was instrumental in using against her later... we'll never know. even if it's her amidst all her flaws and rapidly declining personality at the time, I don't like to lose relationships to people I trusted, because I have only a handful of such relationships. for me the trust was obliterated when I felt she treated me like I was nothing to her when she didn't need anymore when I was most vulnerable and alone in a foreign country. for her I'm sure the trust was obliterated when I came home and used the net to hit her where it hurt her most. we don't need each other anymore and we're probably better off for it. at the same time, I still wish things worked out differently, and in some far-off and unlikely way they still could (but won't).

I'd write her a brief letter yet I don't know how to contact her, so I'm left to express these feelings here. life is too short for grudges. I forgive her for what happened and it's not any secret to anyone that knows me I'm extremely emotional and wear them on my sleeve, so my reactions and ways I manifested them were ruthlessly underhanded because I felt justified in it. I don't think she would forgive me because part of my revenge from the beginning was to make sure this lj simply wouldn't just go away but instead remain like a swollen tumor to bother her. it's long not mattered anymore and pretty silly it's still here, isn't it? I'd take it down and put it all to rest in a heartbeat if I felt she was genuinely remorseful not just for what happened in tokyo, but rather for what really upset me from the beginning: taking advantage of our relationship and my trust in her to act like she acted and did what she did. it was over nothing in the big picture but that's what hurt me: being made to feel worthless and so repugnant by someone when you're most vulnerable, by someone you piled all your trust in, by someone you genuinely felt would never ever do something to hurt you but rather save you because you saved each other so many times over the years.

it's kind of a sad story to me but understandably amusing to most everyone else. I only wanted to get it off my chest one last time.