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Sep. 2nd, 2014 | 02:04 am

if anyone possesses any means to reach kyna (kynapple), it would mean a world of warmth to me. having been dejected upon realizing her gmail account is invalid, i guess you could say this is as desperate as it becomes. however, if anyone does have some electron orbiting connection to be made to her, i would appreciate it beyond emotional measure. thank you for indulging; apologies for updating on here just for my own sake.

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Comments {10}

From: anonymous
Date: Jan. 20th, 2015 10:15 pm (UTC)
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I hope you're doing well, Nick.
I miss talking with you.

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nick .

From: raspberrysyrup
Date: Mar. 5th, 2015 06:47 am (UTC)
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i'm here to talk if you please but that's entirely up to you. thank you very much for your words!

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From: anonymous
Date: Mar. 2nd, 2015 08:59 pm (UTC)
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different anon, but I used to talk to you sometimes back in the day. just happened to stumble back upon your lj. I also hope that you are doing well these days. not sure why you disappeared, but I still wondered about you from time to time.

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nick .

From: raspberrysyrup
Date: Mar. 5th, 2015 07:03 am (UTC)
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LJ deleted ALL MY REPLIES so am gonna redo it from my stolen picture perfect memory i have soiled with MDMA and other drug consumption in the past during my bittersweet west hollywood era.

i'm still in AIM if you want to speak, but i also have connected my trillian to FB so i can pretend i still live in an era where the internet wasn't so oriented against anonymity. AIM is pluginhoney and FB is /pluginhoney. email is kegadol@gmail.com. fuck it. i only lend this information publicly because i've been recovering for 6-7 weeks now at a parent's home in a neurological and physical anguish that had left me crippled up until the last week or so. it hasn't been fun and time has moved so slow since then that it feels like years than going on two months soon. i'm getting better but i've been having worsening seizures which hadn't been an issue for a while until now. i'll figure it out; i have a low seizure threshold, so i'm high-risk for them, but when you're banging drugs like a routine cigarette, perhaps it congeals your brain. they work, that's why people do them, what can i say? i'm not going to make things up or lie to pretend i'm more glamorous than i was or am. i've survived things i can't put to words nor would most people believe it but that's life. it is what it is. i'll survive this.

however i am much more active now, on the net at least, physically i am not all there yet, but the swelling against my cognition has been lanced to afford me a better (relative) clarity. the first few weeks i was just not there and could not function mentally or physically. that being said, i apologize for forcing the indulging of me, but i haven't updated here because emily is burrowed into her own niche on the net. we won. what else am i supposed to do? it'd be rightly considered harassment at this point and i want to believe she understands, at the very least, why so many people desired to witness her fail than succeed. i'm not going to spend 5-10 minutes finding all her little hidden spots where she merrily skulks so i can break into her accounts and commit fraud by putting her in debt because i'm already a face to blame. to you and everyone: i had never considered updating about me me me, nor is emily exploiting the net further for her own vanity or financial gain, so i have to ask for suggestions on what to update about, if anything?

so that's the freesia milk pure truth about where i've been as of late. however, it means a lot to me for you to have posted, even as an anon, especially as an anon, with my welfare splotched upon your concern and curiosity. i really appreciate that so thank you thank you thank you. i hope to hear from you again sometime.

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another different anon

From: anonymous
Date: Mar. 3rd, 2015 10:16 pm (UTC)
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a weird once a year habit to check out this place. nothing much to say, other then i hope you are doing well for yourself. did you ever manage to reach kynapple?

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Re: another different anon

nick .

From: raspberrysyrup
Date: Mar. 5th, 2015 07:19 am (UTC)
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i do appreciate the annual ritual of anonymous peeking to see if anything has sprouted upon this journal but... no delphiniums, no orchids, no hydrangeas, just the same poppy fields of this journal. i can't say much about that except to ask your opinion of what i should post about?... i kind of reiterated to the other anon about this.

unfortunately i can't tell you how kyna is faring because i haven't had the means to get in touch with her, although i think of her and wish her the very best. i still hope we can correspond again someday soon; she's a very cherubic girl with a depth to her that i can appreciate even just from email, so i lament that she is where she is and i can't know that place.

i had been plucked from my own life; i was working, i had writing and other artistic gigs going on (still do, technically, but only now can i really return to them), and i was just doing my best. unfortunately it was as if a bullet, riding upon a honeybee, encircled me until it pierced through my temporal lobe in a baptism that had literally left me neurologically and physically crippled up to very, very recently. as if being phosphorescent and stripped within the rifle scope of fate's madman. i'm better but like i had mentioned above, i've been having worsening partial seizures, which has happened before, i'm high-risk for them, but not in a while as i wasn't sober. i'm a little more confident i'll come out okay; i just want my own life back, you know? i'm so isolated from friends that it feels like i've been here four years rather than less than two months, so each day must be broken apart as much as it can, these days stitched together by my sleeplessness and phobia of REM dreams.

in the end, i think i'll be okay. i want to be okay. if i didn't, i'd kill myself and say fuck it. i've survived way too much and much worse; i know horror intimately and have had its fingers in my mouth and tasted its saliva. this is just life being life again and i have to do my best.

i felt i should put to my own, differing words out of respect for your having posted here, which means much to me. it really does. so thank you for checking here and thank you again for your concern and effort to post. it's so appreciated!

Edited at 2015-03-05 07:21 am (UTC)

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hello

From: anonymous
Date: Mar. 10th, 2015 06:28 am (UTC)
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you may not remember me. i commented on your lj sometimes, before the whole applemilk thing. i'm also the one who found her pornocrow lj. since you are a friend of a friend of a friend, that's how i found you. we talked briefly.

i hope you are doing okay. i read above you are having health issues. i wonder if you are still attached with your lolita princess, or whatever became of that. it seemed you were really happy during that time. it would be nice to talk to you again but it's good to know you are still alive and out there.

- b

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Re: hello

nick .

From: raspberrysyrup
Date: Mar. 13th, 2015 12:12 am (UTC)
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i absolutely remember; that find was very impressive! i only wish i knew more of you to allow you proper credit. it does make me curious who this mutual friend is, though...

thank you immensely for your thoughts. i'm getting better, aside from the child runaways of neurons electrifying my brain, but i'm hopeful that will subside and be manageable again so i can mimic normal again. it never used to be that much of an issue except now i'm fearful of raving or going to shows as i used to do often. at the same time, it's happened before at raves two instances i can recollect, missing time from one where i just awoke as if from a dream to another dream within a sea of dilated pupils (yet that could've been because i took too much MDMA), strangers can be very sweet at these sorts of things, they help me up, and i walk it off. what more can anyone do except their best?

my lolita princess is certainly around; you're with someone almost six years, living together for more than half that, they don't just melt away. they can't, at least, not from me. there's always drip drops of happiness to be found in other people but it can't be the only well you draw upon. you have to draw upon yourself as best you can even if you're a mess of all sorts of things i can't put to words here.

i'm freely available if you ever want to talk through whatever medium you prefer. my contact handles are posted above within another comment made to an anon. in these sorts of pallid everydays, i wouldn't mind any company. thank you so much for posting and caring for how i'm managing. i wish you the very best. thank you again for everything you've contributed to make this LJ better!

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From: anonymous
Date: Mar. 11th, 2015 06:37 pm (UTC)
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Thanks for keeping this LJ alive all this time. Be well Nick.

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nick .

From: raspberrysyrup
Date: Mar. 12th, 2015 11:54 pm (UTC)
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you're most welcome. thank you for the well-wishing very much, i appreciate the sentiment.

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