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Jun. 5th, 2011 | 03:03 pm







where it all started almost exactly four years ago. it kind of sucks, we seemed fairly close for so many years up to then, only to have everything ruined for petty reasons of selfishness. it may or may not have found a way to mend itself eventually if she didn't have her phase of e-fame at the time that I was instrumental in using against her later... we'll never know. even if it's her amidst all her flaws and rapidly declining personality at the time, I don't like to lose relationships to people I trusted, because I have only a handful of such relationships. for me the trust was obliterated when I felt she treated me like I was nothing to her when she didn't need anymore when I was most vulnerable and alone in a foreign country. for her I'm sure the trust was obliterated when I came home and used the net to hit her where it hurt her most. we don't need each other anymore and we're probably better off for it. at the same time, I still wish things worked out differently, and in some far-off and unlikely way they still could (but won't).

I'd write her a brief letter yet I don't know how to contact her, so I'm left to express these feelings here. life is too short for grudges. I forgive her for what happened and it's not any secret to anyone that knows me I'm extremely emotional and wear them on my sleeve, so my reactions and ways I manifested them were ruthlessly underhanded because I felt justified in it. I don't think she would forgive me because part of my revenge from the beginning was to make sure this lj simply wouldn't just go away but instead remain like a swollen tumor to bother her. it's long not mattered anymore and pretty silly it's still here, isn't it? I'd take it down and put it all to rest in a heartbeat if I felt she was genuinely remorseful not just for what happened in tokyo, but rather for what really upset me from the beginning: taking advantage of our relationship and my trust in her to act like she acted and did what she did. it was over nothing in the big picture but that's what hurt me: being made to feel worthless and so repugnant by someone when you're most vulnerable, by someone you piled all your trust in, by someone you genuinely felt would never ever do something to hurt you but rather save you because you saved each other so many times over the years.

it's kind of a sad story to me but understandably amusing to most everyone else. I only wanted to get it off my chest one last time.

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Comments {33}

From: anonymous
Date: Aug. 5th, 2011 03:35 am (UTC)
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I think she's only 21. You'd never know it looking at that picture, though. I would have guessed 30 easily.

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From: anonymous
Date: Aug. 5th, 2011 06:01 pm (UTC)
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wow... she looks really bad in that picture.
in the other ones she looks better but probably because it's like not as zoomed in and the lighting is more flattering

http://fujirockexpress.net/11/4956.html

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nick .

From: raspberrysyrup
Date: Aug. 5th, 2011 08:37 pm (UTC)
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she looks haggard in this weird way i can't put my finger on. maybe it's alcohol or just what she looks like out of adolescence - or both. she looks better in other photos but her face bothers me WHAT IS IT. who knows why but she's years younger than i am and even i don't look that old even with all my ravaging habits... i still get mistaken for 18-19 (or less even) regularly and i'm 25-years-old.

i think she looks best second shot from the right with the red tint. the whole hipster look with the hair and dress makes me laugh though... living right in hipster-gentrified oakland, california (north oakland/temescal) i have to live among hipsters each and everyday of my life i venture out my apartment and they all look like that. little sundress faggots with an out-loud taste for anything seemingly ironic/retro/i don't know what the fuck hipsters like.

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I spotted Emily at Fuji Rock....

From: anonymous
Date: Aug. 11th, 2011 08:42 am (UTC)
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I think I may have spotted her at Fuji Rock-just walking around (I wouldn't spend all that money just to watch her raggedy ass on stage). I saw a lanky, pale brunette wearing a black cocktail dress and heels (great choice for walking around in the muddy fields!)with a Japanese chick. Good for her I guess? Oh sunshine was playing at one of the smaller stages really early in the morning. A lot of those smaller bands only had a handful of people watching. Honestly, at first I was surprised to hear she made it to Fuji Rock, but after watching more than a couple mediocre acts, I suppose it's not completely out of the realm if her bandmate has industry connections.

I really do wonder what kind of visa she has. Entertainer visas expire after a few months I believe, and working visas require a 4 year degree. Is she still on a student visa? Maybe her record company is sponsoring her?
These are actually some interesting things she could blog about considering most of her fans seem to be the 'OMG! Japan is so cool! How can I come?!' types.

BTW, Nick you should blog about whatever you want, or make a new blog and give us all the link. I think a lot of people enjoyed your writing, regardless of whether it had to do with a certain someone or not.

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Re: I spotted Emily at Fuji Rock....

nick .

From: raspberrysyrup
Date: Aug. 11th, 2011 08:53 am (UTC)
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if she was 5'9" or so then you probably did spot her. someone asked me how she could possibly play at something as seemingly prestigious as fuji rock, but it makes more sense when you realize the sheer amount of acts, stages, and times they fit them all within the three days. you're correct, her guitarist's industry connections are more than likely enough to book a small set at a non-primetime hour, and i can't imagine she would attract an audience any bigger than what she would get on the street. all other senses aside, her music really isn't interesting or particularly notable. maybe others disagree but i can't imagine anyone making a good case for it... shit i can't even imagine any japanese with a minimally astute taste in music could care about her if they tried. her real audience ends up being the kinds of people she wants to ignore.

i would imagine the label is sponsoring her which to my limited knowledge is sufficient as long as they're up to it. otherwise how did other foreign musicians stay in japan so long, like ken yokoyama's former bassist and guitarist? they did end up splitting but i have no idea if it was just because they got tired of what they were doing or if there were visa limits.

i think you're right. if i make a new livejournal active i'll link it in the profile. no reason to fix what isn't broken here, thank you so much for your insight, feedback and compliment!

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Re: I spotted Emily at Fuji Rock....

From: anonymous
Date: Aug. 11th, 2011 04:06 pm (UTC)
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Same person here. 5'9"? Yeah, she was quite a bit taller than I was so it very well could have been her (or the beer and sun got to me...) I remember reading last year about a foreigner who teaches in an international kindergarten who got a chance to play at Fuji Rock at the Rookie a Go Go stage in the area just outside the entrance. She came across as really genuine and dedicated, definitely not just greedy for fame.

It's great to go to a festival event in Japan, because the audiences have such bipolar reactions. If the crowd doesn't care, it gets frosty-sometimes not even the obligatory golf clap! On the other hand, everyone went NUTS over Atari Teenage Riot and The Music!

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