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Jun. 5th, 2011 | 03:03 pm







where it all started almost exactly four years ago. it kind of sucks, we seemed fairly close for so many years up to then, only to have everything ruined for petty reasons of selfishness. it may or may not have found a way to mend itself eventually if she didn't have her phase of e-fame at the time that I was instrumental in using against her later... we'll never know. even if it's her amidst all her flaws and rapidly declining personality at the time, I don't like to lose relationships to people I trusted, because I have only a handful of such relationships. for me the trust was obliterated when I felt she treated me like I was nothing to her when she didn't need anymore when I was most vulnerable and alone in a foreign country. for her I'm sure the trust was obliterated when I came home and used the net to hit her where it hurt her most. we don't need each other anymore and we're probably better off for it. at the same time, I still wish things worked out differently, and in some far-off and unlikely way they still could (but won't).

I'd write her a brief letter yet I don't know how to contact her, so I'm left to express these feelings here. life is too short for grudges. I forgive her for what happened and it's not any secret to anyone that knows me I'm extremely emotional and wear them on my sleeve, so my reactions and ways I manifested them were ruthlessly underhanded because I felt justified in it. I don't think she would forgive me because part of my revenge from the beginning was to make sure this lj simply wouldn't just go away but instead remain like a swollen tumor to bother her. it's long not mattered anymore and pretty silly it's still here, isn't it? I'd take it down and put it all to rest in a heartbeat if I felt she was genuinely remorseful not just for what happened in tokyo, but rather for what really upset me from the beginning: taking advantage of our relationship and my trust in her to act like she acted and did what she did. it was over nothing in the big picture but that's what hurt me: being made to feel worthless and so repugnant by someone when you're most vulnerable, by someone you piled all your trust in, by someone you genuinely felt would never ever do something to hurt you but rather save you because you saved each other so many times over the years.

it's kind of a sad story to me but understandably amusing to most everyone else. I only wanted to get it off my chest one last time.

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Comments {33}

Re: U still havent ans the ques

nick .

From: raspberrysyrup
Date: Jul. 27th, 2011 09:30 pm (UTC)
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yeah i guess in one way that's about right except the wanting to be friends part. i didn't know people still used "emo" anymore, or that it was fashionable to still use it over and over to sound like a complete faggot, but it may be your way of disguising yourself.

i don't really know how to respond but i imagine that's what you want. uh... well okay. "vengeance ninja." lost friendships in the land of miruku and hani. hitting up bantown contacts for revenge. facing da emoness. free trip to japan. i'm hella miserable. need emily back in my life. is that what i'm working with? i think you've been lurking around here for a long time and want to play pretend so wouldn't it be silly if i played along to respond to this? you can always contact me outright if you cared to know things instead of making public posts pretending to be different people...

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Re: U still havent ans the ques

From: anonymous
Date: Jul. 29th, 2011 03:15 am (UTC)
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I did write the initial entry in "We're responsible ..." and also the follow up beginning with "You guys make a fair point," but I did not write the comment here, although I found it amusing. If you're thinking it's me, on one thing you're correct. I have been lurking here almost from the beginning. But I have never hidden my identity (other than remaining anonymous) or adopted multiple personalities as an approach. I wouldn't do that.

Oh, and, U still havent ans the ques. If you decide to do so, I think publicly is the way to go. It would add context to the story.

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Re: U still havent ans the ques

nick .

From: raspberrysyrup
Date: Jul. 29th, 2011 03:40 am (UTC)
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well whatever, playing anonymous while pouring your instigating comments here publicly pretending you legitimately want to know things is a bit deceptive and has more to do with making a gotcha spectacle over an issue i have to try hard to care about in any serious manner nowadays. i'm very reachable, you know, i don't hide. you can even friend me on facebook if you wanted to enough or just email/aim me if you felt like it if there were questions on your mind you had sought. i still get inquiries here and there from people and i'm honest. going about it your way just comes off as crass and much more obviously about fanning some sort of internet argument, making your dick hard knowing you have some sort of audience (though I doubt you really have one here anymore) while you can hide behind anonymity playing multiple parts throughout it.

as far as your questions, you peppered enough half-ass insults and assumptions that i felt it has nothing to do with clearing things up for you. i don't need to play games. even more i don't give two shits about engaging in silly back-and-forths. context is a weird requirement since it has nothing to do with anything; you know a good part of the back story and details, what does it matter to you at all if you have to know the stuff you don't know leaning on the idea everyone else can spectate? context is irrelevant.

with that said, feel free to contact me through my email, twitter, last.fm, and even facebook - all publicly there for your reference - whatever works for you - and i'll get around to it. it isn't quantum physics or unreasonable if you're actually interested in enlightening you some details. i don't want to play weird little games for your arousal. the days when this journal was a halfway entertaining flame war with those sympathetic to emily/trolls or those with an axe to grind against people like me/ED/420chan/etc have been over for a while. this journal is for reference and to grant the wish of the majority to leave it here for that purpose. so just hit me up if you mean what you say and it'll do a better job of proving to me you ~actually~ give a shit about your questions more than ~actually~ being more interested in a public dick waving back-and-forth.

and forgive me, once i start rambling so much, i ramble nonstop until i finish what i want to express. perhaps i'll contact you later privately, perhaps not, but thanks for the interest and the presumably admirable effort of skimming through enough of my typed out bullshit.

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Re: U still havent ans the ques

From: anonymous
Date: Aug. 3rd, 2011 12:45 pm (UTC)
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I am actually kind of curious now. Reading this I would also like to know as well if you guys had an organic relationship from the beginning or if you initially met online. I can phrase it in the form of a yes or no question. When you first met was it in person or online? (yes/no) no further explanation necessary.

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Re: U still havent ans the ques

nick .

From: raspberrysyrup
Date: Aug. 3rd, 2011 09:30 pm (UTC)
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lol is it really that difficult to put two and two together? i'll make you a deal: before you play condescending you should take the five or so seconds to think about it, tell me what you think, and i'll let you know okay? greetings to tokyo, btw.

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Re: U still havent ans the ques

nick .

From: raspberrysyrup
Date: Aug. 3rd, 2011 09:34 pm (UTC)
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man i have absolutely ZERO memory of writing out that whole thing above too, what the fuck. i don't even know what the hell i was talking about so forgive me. xanax...

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