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Jun. 5th, 2011 | 03:03 pm







where it all started almost exactly four years ago. it kind of sucks, we seemed fairly close for so many years up to then, only to have everything ruined for petty reasons of selfishness. it may or may not have found a way to mend itself eventually if she didn't have her phase of e-fame at the time that I was instrumental in using against her later... we'll never know. even if it's her amidst all her flaws and rapidly declining personality at the time, I don't like to lose relationships to people I trusted, because I have only a handful of such relationships. for me the trust was obliterated when I felt she treated me like I was nothing to her when she didn't need anymore when I was most vulnerable and alone in a foreign country. for her I'm sure the trust was obliterated when I came home and used the net to hit her where it hurt her most. we don't need each other anymore and we're probably better off for it. at the same time, I still wish things worked out differently, and in some far-off and unlikely way they still could (but won't).

I'd write her a brief letter yet I don't know how to contact her, so I'm left to express these feelings here. life is too short for grudges. I forgive her for what happened and it's not any secret to anyone that knows me I'm extremely emotional and wear them on my sleeve, so my reactions and ways I manifested them were ruthlessly underhanded because I felt justified in it. I don't think she would forgive me because part of my revenge from the beginning was to make sure this lj simply wouldn't just go away but instead remain like a swollen tumor to bother her. it's long not mattered anymore and pretty silly it's still here, isn't it? I'd take it down and put it all to rest in a heartbeat if I felt she was genuinely remorseful not just for what happened in tokyo, but rather for what really upset me from the beginning: taking advantage of our relationship and my trust in her to act like she acted and did what she did. it was over nothing in the big picture but that's what hurt me: being made to feel worthless and so repugnant by someone when you're most vulnerable, by someone you piled all your trust in, by someone you genuinely felt would never ever do something to hurt you but rather save you because you saved each other so many times over the years.

it's kind of a sad story to me but understandably amusing to most everyone else. I only wanted to get it off my chest one last time.

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Comments {33}

Lady Peppermin†

From: PeppermintPaws
Date: Jul. 19th, 2011 04:57 am (UTC)
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Life is too short to hold grudges, this is the first time I've seen anyone other than myself say this. It's really sad, one person will face their emotions and deal with it and forgive the other person and then wish they could become friends again because it almost seems tangible, but if you think about it very hard, is it worth it? I don't know the answer to that either.

And the other person will bottle it up and throw it out as if they never really cared, and it really hurts. I don't know if that makes sense to you, but it's how I relate to this whole story.

I hope you can find peace from it all, entirely someday. :)

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nick .

From: raspberrysyrup
Date: Jul. 19th, 2011 05:18 am (UTC)
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i've received more than enough peace from it through new friends i (oddly) had made through this weird incident and what followed. wouldn't you say that more than makes up for it?

it would be unforgivable to trudge along years later rearranging regret within myself. it really has become more of something to laugh at. whatever emily may feel about it now, at the very least rejection of any friendship or good thought about me ever again, that's up to her. i gave her an olive branch enough times over the years with the offer of taking this down both on here and on 2ch, and she didn't bite. make of it what you will but she isn't going to bruise her ego even acknowledging any of this happened. she may have felt good about herself when she found i had left tokyo and told me she's glad i left but now i can feel better many more people discover as i did what kind of person she is while she bottles it up and shrinks the bubble her mind lives in believing what she wants. those sorts of people are too immature to ever face themselves or learn from mistakes. they're obsessed with themselves and excuses for their actions and are never satisfied. where is she now? nobody really cares but she probably believes she's still popular and relevant.

thanks for the message!

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From: anonymous
Date: Jul. 20th, 2011 09:58 am (UTC)
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"she isn't going to bruise her ego even acknowledging any of this happened. she may have felt good about herself when she found i had left tokyo and told me she's glad i left but now i can feel better many more people discover as i did what kind of person she is while she bottles it up and shrinks the bubble her mind lives in believing what she wants. those sorts of people are too immature to ever face themselves or learn from mistakes. they're obsessed with themselves and excuses for their actions and are never satisfied. where is she now? nobody really cares but she probably believes she's still popular and relevant."

You've hit the nail on the head. Couldn't have said it better myself.

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