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Jun. 5th, 2011 | 03:03 pm







where it all started almost exactly four years ago. it kind of sucks, we seemed fairly close for so many years up to then, only to have everything ruined for petty reasons of selfishness. it may or may not have found a way to mend itself eventually if she didn't have her phase of e-fame at the time that I was instrumental in using against her later... we'll never know. even if it's her amidst all her flaws and rapidly declining personality at the time, I don't like to lose relationships to people I trusted, because I have only a handful of such relationships. for me the trust was obliterated when I felt she treated me like I was nothing to her when she didn't need anymore when I was most vulnerable and alone in a foreign country. for her I'm sure the trust was obliterated when I came home and used the net to hit her where it hurt her most. we don't need each other anymore and we're probably better off for it. at the same time, I still wish things worked out differently, and in some far-off and unlikely way they still could (but won't).

I'd write her a brief letter yet I don't know how to contact her, so I'm left to express these feelings here. life is too short for grudges. I forgive her for what happened and it's not any secret to anyone that knows me I'm extremely emotional and wear them on my sleeve, so my reactions and ways I manifested them were ruthlessly underhanded because I felt justified in it. I don't think she would forgive me because part of my revenge from the beginning was to make sure this lj simply wouldn't just go away but instead remain like a swollen tumor to bother her. it's long not mattered anymore and pretty silly it's still here, isn't it? I'd take it down and put it all to rest in a heartbeat if I felt she was genuinely remorseful not just for what happened in tokyo, but rather for what really upset me from the beginning: taking advantage of our relationship and my trust in her to act like she acted and did what she did. it was over nothing in the big picture but that's what hurt me: being made to feel worthless and so repugnant by someone when you're most vulnerable, by someone you piled all your trust in, by someone you genuinely felt would never ever do something to hurt you but rather save you because you saved each other so many times over the years.

it's kind of a sad story to me but understandably amusing to most everyone else. I only wanted to get it off my chest one last time.

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Comments {33}

Re: We're responsible for what we do.

Kate

From: loserology
Date: Jun. 17th, 2011 03:23 pm (UTC)
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I don't really want to spill my situation all over the place but I might be able to help you shed some light on the situation.

I knew my 'friend' only via electronic communications, like Nick/Emily (If they actually did, I thought they knew each other before, like Nick grew up on the East coast) I had known her for 5 years. For the 2 years before I even suggested a trip to Japan, we would speak almost everyday on either twitter, Facebook, Skype, mobile phone, etc for hours and I considered her a really good friend and she did me because we started liking JE around the same time suddenly. I wouldn't have asked her to go on a trip if I didn't think so (I regret it now). I have an inkling that Nick and Emily's relationship was similar to mine because he's not dumb, he wouldn't have gone to Japan with a stranger. I live in Western Australia and she lives in New South Wales so there was a long distance between us, about the same as Emily and Nick, but me and my mother met her when we decided to go to Sydney and we got along completely fine and like we were long lost friends. I think we hung out for about 9 hours or something and my mother was happy for her to go with me. She was exactly how she acted online to me, on the phone, everything.

In short, you don't expect someone to change their personalities so suddenly and I can't find it in my heart to blame Nick for this part at all. You can only judge people on how they present themselves, so if someone is going to decide to be nice, I can only see them as a nice person. You just don't expect someone to pull a nice facade for years. This applies to electronic or real life. You don't expect a devout Muslim who only doesn't wear her hijab at home, to ditch her hijab, drink every night and talk about fucking Japanese dick with daily mood swings trying to be like you, do you? That's what I had to deal with. Did I expect it? Fuck no. Do I still believe it? Fuck no, but it happened.

I know this doesn't concern me and you most likely don't give a shit about my situation. But I hope this could shed some light on Nick's situation and his feelings and friendship.

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Re: We're responsible for what we do.

From: anonymous
Date: Jun. 19th, 2011 02:54 am (UTC)
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Your comments are apt and poignant. I don't blame Nick either. I could have found myself in a similar situation and not acted as well.

Still, something irks me about a Billboard Expressing about a Crap Thing that happened to you, and involving another person in it. Emily's not Walmart or the Police Department. I can accept that at some point the tables turn, and complaints with respect to certain entities and famous celebrities, depending on the circumstances and what is talked about, deserve to be aired in public. I'm not sure this was one of those situations.

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Re: We're responsible for what we do.

From: anonymous
Date: Jun. 19th, 2011 06:23 am (UTC)
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This journal should exist. Why shouldn't it? I totally get where Nick was coming from when this started, and even now at this point a few years later. imo, this is karma for Emily. She thought she could step all over someone and get away with it, and maybe she will eventually (doubtful), but this journal will always be a mar that will exist on her record :P

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