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Jun. 5th, 2011 | 03:03 pm







where it all started almost exactly four years ago. it kind of sucks, we seemed fairly close for so many years up to then, only to have everything ruined for petty reasons of selfishness. it may or may not have found a way to mend itself eventually if she didn't have her phase of e-fame at the time that I was instrumental in using against her later... we'll never know. even if it's her amidst all her flaws and rapidly declining personality at the time, I don't like to lose relationships to people I trusted, because I have only a handful of such relationships. for me the trust was obliterated when I felt she treated me like I was nothing to her when she didn't need anymore when I was most vulnerable and alone in a foreign country. for her I'm sure the trust was obliterated when I came home and used the net to hit her where it hurt her most. we don't need each other anymore and we're probably better off for it. at the same time, I still wish things worked out differently, and in some far-off and unlikely way they still could (but won't).

I'd write her a brief letter yet I don't know how to contact her, so I'm left to express these feelings here. life is too short for grudges. I forgive her for what happened and it's not any secret to anyone that knows me I'm extremely emotional and wear them on my sleeve, so my reactions and ways I manifested them were ruthlessly underhanded because I felt justified in it. I don't think she would forgive me because part of my revenge from the beginning was to make sure this lj simply wouldn't just go away but instead remain like a swollen tumor to bother her. it's long not mattered anymore and pretty silly it's still here, isn't it? I'd take it down and put it all to rest in a heartbeat if I felt she was genuinely remorseful not just for what happened in tokyo, but rather for what really upset me from the beginning: taking advantage of our relationship and my trust in her to act like she acted and did what she did. it was over nothing in the big picture but that's what hurt me: being made to feel worthless and so repugnant by someone when you're most vulnerable, by someone you piled all your trust in, by someone you genuinely felt would never ever do something to hurt you but rather save you because you saved each other so many times over the years.

it's kind of a sad story to me but understandably amusing to most everyone else. I only wanted to get it off my chest one last time.

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Comments {33}

Re: We're responsible for what we do.

nick .

From: raspberrysyrup
Date: Jun. 11th, 2011 11:39 pm (UTC)
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my acts against here were vengeance against feeling betrayed as i elaborated. my journal was mine before any of this occurred; i registered it january 2007. it's worth pointing that out because expressing what i had felt isn't a crime or revenge. you should know the story of this by now, not omit or twist things a certain way if they fit your presumptions. i don't understand how you can declare these conclusions of yours in the same breath you admit you are clueless of our relationship in the first place. it's a pretty acrobatic jump to make with your eyes closed.

i never gave her unquestioned support and that's because we were friends. that assumption is wrong. i accompanied her to japan because she asked and expressed she needed me on the phone and in the conversation above. you have to understand where i was at this point of my life. my life was mostly pieced back together, i had begun dating a girl that i would end up being with for a couple years, and i was moving to start over. emily was distracted with this youtube thing i wasn't that aware of. this wasn't an example of her rescuing me from the monotony of my everyday life to whisk me away on her dime in some pseudo-romantic fantasy.

things in tokyo were okay for the first few days. she didn't need me anymore after she had made her contacts. it was after ben from stickam put all that bullshit in her head to get her to commit to what they wanted that suddenly i just wasn't very important. i understand that. what hurt me was that i had held onto believing our relationship was stronger. if i had thought for a second otherwise, i wouldn't have gone, because i knew from the outset she was going to japan and become quite arrogant. whether my foolishness or her crass selfishness is something we can argue, but it can't be very meaningful unless you had a better idea of who i am, our history, and why i had assumed the things i did. to glide over this part but reach such firm conclusions of yours is weird. she wasn't moving on from anything except excising me as i wasn't cool or important enough. obviously she needed me to go with her because she couldn't handle being there alone. obviously she cut me out when that concern didn't matter.

there is validity to what you're saying though. my choices were mine. at the same time it's worth caring about why i'd be enticed to do it because i'm not stupid or impulsive. my behavior is the opposite. we both had our parts to play and guilt to admit to and that's up to everyone else to decide. it isn't my job to convince you i'm the angelic victim and she is some mean cunt that got off on it. the first entries were my personal feelings at the time before i had any idea other people beyond my handful of friends would read them. i think i admitted my wrongs after the trip but the why's are more important. she may have interesting why's herself but i don't think she is the kind of person that would be that honest about it.

i don't know why you still insist on using words like "breakup" to imply we had something going on. we weren't fucking or had any romance between us. i could have bragged i fucked her to the envy of enough people and made up sexual quirks of hers to get back at her. i guess i could have lied, at least exaggerated, and taken credit for a lot of things. i didn't do that and there's little reason for me to lie. it is what it is. you won't find any evidence of lying or exaggeration from me. my issue is when you come here to lay things out you plainly do not know to declare conclusions that are inaccurate. i'm not inaccessible; i'm right here. if you gave a shit to really know things, you could ask me here or elsewhere. i don't hide.

she is free to talk about any of this but she never will. she obviously wants it to go away so she doesn't have to acknowledge the spillover, and her subsequent behavior has proven the sort of person she is over and over. it isn't coincidental, it's a pattern. you can compare her behavior and pathological lying before this and after it to mine. my crime is i didn't pay her father back.

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Re: We're responsible for what we do.

From: anonymous
Date: Jun. 16th, 2011 06:05 am (UTC)
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You guys make a fair point. It may seem like I am basing my conclusions, or better put the feelings that I have developed, based on insufficient information. The situation would be very different if Nick and Emily had a meaningful friendship with physical proximity and shared experiences, and a real reason to trust in one another, prior to going to Japan. I've followed most of this saga, and have been checking back here occasionally for a few years. (That's a tribute to you, Nick. This is indeed a very interesting story that has engaged my attention, and certainly I'm grateful that you've shared part of your life with us.) I don't remember there being much discussion of Emily and Nick's relationship as friends prior to going to Japan together. From the IM messages and other things we've seen, there's no doubt that they were friends, but given that Emily lived in NY/FL and went to HS in Florida while Nick was on the West Coast (I definitely prefer Nick's locale), it's hard to imagine what contact they had other than electronic. Where and when did you guys meet? What experiences had you built and shared (victories? defeats?) as friends? How did you get to know each other? It would definitely fill things out to know that facet of the story.

I don't want to put words in your mouth, but it seems like you feel "betrayed" by her. If that's so, I wonder, what led to you putting your trust in her in the first place?

Oh, and regarding use of the term "breakup," I didn't mean to imply that it was anything other than a breakup between close friends, i.e., the end (schism) of a friendship.

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Re: We're responsible for what we do.

Kate

From: loserology
Date: Jun. 17th, 2011 03:23 pm (UTC)
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I don't really want to spill my situation all over the place but I might be able to help you shed some light on the situation.

I knew my 'friend' only via electronic communications, like Nick/Emily (If they actually did, I thought they knew each other before, like Nick grew up on the East coast) I had known her for 5 years. For the 2 years before I even suggested a trip to Japan, we would speak almost everyday on either twitter, Facebook, Skype, mobile phone, etc for hours and I considered her a really good friend and she did me because we started liking JE around the same time suddenly. I wouldn't have asked her to go on a trip if I didn't think so (I regret it now). I have an inkling that Nick and Emily's relationship was similar to mine because he's not dumb, he wouldn't have gone to Japan with a stranger. I live in Western Australia and she lives in New South Wales so there was a long distance between us, about the same as Emily and Nick, but me and my mother met her when we decided to go to Sydney and we got along completely fine and like we were long lost friends. I think we hung out for about 9 hours or something and my mother was happy for her to go with me. She was exactly how she acted online to me, on the phone, everything.

In short, you don't expect someone to change their personalities so suddenly and I can't find it in my heart to blame Nick for this part at all. You can only judge people on how they present themselves, so if someone is going to decide to be nice, I can only see them as a nice person. You just don't expect someone to pull a nice facade for years. This applies to electronic or real life. You don't expect a devout Muslim who only doesn't wear her hijab at home, to ditch her hijab, drink every night and talk about fucking Japanese dick with daily mood swings trying to be like you, do you? That's what I had to deal with. Did I expect it? Fuck no. Do I still believe it? Fuck no, but it happened.

I know this doesn't concern me and you most likely don't give a shit about my situation. But I hope this could shed some light on Nick's situation and his feelings and friendship.

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Re: We're responsible for what we do.

From: anonymous
Date: Jun. 19th, 2011 02:54 am (UTC)
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Your comments are apt and poignant. I don't blame Nick either. I could have found myself in a similar situation and not acted as well.

Still, something irks me about a Billboard Expressing about a Crap Thing that happened to you, and involving another person in it. Emily's not Walmart or the Police Department. I can accept that at some point the tables turn, and complaints with respect to certain entities and famous celebrities, depending on the circumstances and what is talked about, deserve to be aired in public. I'm not sure this was one of those situations.

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Re: We're responsible for what we do.

From: anonymous
Date: Jun. 19th, 2011 06:23 am (UTC)
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This journal should exist. Why shouldn't it? I totally get where Nick was coming from when this started, and even now at this point a few years later. imo, this is karma for Emily. She thought she could step all over someone and get away with it, and maybe she will eventually (doubtful), but this journal will always be a mar that will exist on her record :P

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