pomegranate wine

I'm still being asked and piqued about this to this very day over five years later. Five years! I can't think of many things within my life that lasted more than five years. A handful of friendships, a first love, and ranked just below these: a weird blip on the internet involving myself and a girl I knew and traveled with that enveloped itself into an LJ, one that refuses to go the way of every other LJ I've ever had in my life: chronicling a relentless revenge to hurt the girl's ego as tidy and simple as could be. A bit shameful but I refuse to give in.

Poor Emily, I'm not looking to be condescending by any means, but perhaps the bitter sensation of her in my mouth has melted into something I can draw a fond memory or two from. I was much different five years ago. She has to be different too. Maybe. I'm terrible with recognizing faces but my brain hasn't been able to make hers out for quite some time. The rest of it I mismatch for myself in my own head and tell myself there was still something nice about her.

without usual rambling dramatics, i'll be taking some modest credit for exiling emily off the internet, the only sort of acknowledgment i'll give way to myself before i move on. secret irc channels and witnesses to them aside at the time, saving myself from potentially construed illegalities, there's little reason to boast of anything else. the contributions to her exile matter the most too, i just wish i had the means to give due credit to those who both want and deserve it. i never cared for anything else and anonymity on the internet forever died just around the corner of when this comical mess of internet drama blossomed, but at least i adhered, or at least always tried my very best, to never desiring the pursuit of attention beyond colorless words and perhaps a few snapshots of myself here and there upon this journal just to at least prove i was a real person.

i never wanted or expected any of this to happen. it was fun while it lasted in a way and the complimentary generosity of support grown from this journal and friendships sewn from it will leave me grateful. i was never significant, just caught up in what was a stupidly amusing experience with a friend that drove itself awry in no particularly unique way except the magnetizing gossiping eyes abound, and took my time to play along at the bemusement pulled apart from all sorts of factors. i'm guilty of things but it's so irrelevant now, really, fuck it. i'm only really proud she's off the internet and her success or misadventures overseas are hers alone to ponder and criticize, just like my own life is equally off the radar of anyone but myself and perhaps those closest to me to give a shit. it makes me confused how this could have possibly lasted as long as it had but then it depresses me when i remember why.

so that's probably it. nothing really left to say or make public. whatever happens will happen. i was never used to this sort of attention and honestly it made me deeply uncomfortable when other people would come across me during a daylight excursion outside at school or wherever i'd be to recognize me enough to make a comment, ask a question, or muster even a compliment about any of this (it wasn't often at least). i tried a little to embrace it for a bit but my life was also a little different then; it's much more different now ornamented with these vividly aggressive facets and insulated challenges, my health being what it is, the static hysteria enveloping more than it should, so there is little left to add to what amounts to a "saga" in the most parodic sense. there are more important things in this world than giving the time of day to emily.

it was fun, though! thank you and goodbye.

is this a livejournal reserved for emily stuff or is it open to anything else with an audience? i know i can write whatever i please but with so much free time on my hands (for now) i thought it to be worth asking whomever still reads here. she is boring to me and her internets were defiled so hard so long ago and her existence on it these days has been upgraded to "exiled" for a while. to be honest i'm not particularly concerned with what she does off the net - being in an indie bandish indie band or whatever the fuck that's about - because it's really, really not interesting. she is not famous. she has no discerned audience. there is nothing wrong with what she even does anymore. if she showed her face on the net in any meaningful way again, the story changes, but for now she arouses nothing. times change. the only people who have it in them to care are those that knew of her when she was interesting. maybe my senses are mistaken... i'm not very good at this, so you tell me.

she had no idea who i really was even when we were friends. she used my pc all by herself with no eyes watching, but she was polite enough not to poke around it and find anything. she didn't know my aliases. she didn't know with whom or what i was involved in at the time and sometimes i wonder if she had discovered enough, if it would've changed her behavior toward me, changed everything that exists here, if she could have comprehended who i was a bit better to give me a little better respect for my human dignity. it's just a thought. my only thought about her in a while. i'm not better than her in any tangible sense of measurement but it isn't about that; you criss-cross with some souls in this world and there isn't a unified theory that suggests you will always lay on the same grid together; remember there is no grid in a woken world with oxygen.

real life and the internet. who i am and who i am more. the fascination still gets to me.

anyway if there is space for content beyond her (not necessarily about me) just let me know. if not leave it alone.

where it all started almost exactly four years ago. it kind of sucks, we seemed fairly close for so many years up to then, only to have everything ruined for petty reasons of selfishness. it may or may not have found a way to mend itself eventually if she didn't have her phase of e-fame at the time that I was instrumental in using against her later... we'll never know. even if it's her amidst all her flaws and rapidly declining personality at the time, I don't like to lose relationships to people I trusted, because I have only a handful of such relationships. for me the trust was obliterated when I felt she treated me like I was nothing to her when she didn't need anymore when I was most vulnerable and alone in a foreign country. for her I'm sure the trust was obliterated when I came home and used the net to hit her where it hurt her most. we don't need each other anymore and we're probably better off for it. at the same time, I still wish things worked out differently, and in some far-off and unlikely way they still could (but won't).

I'd write her a brief letter yet I don't know how to contact her, so I'm left to express these feelings here. life is too short for grudges. I forgive her for what happened and it's not any secret to anyone that knows me I'm extremely emotional and wear them on my sleeve, so my reactions and ways I manifested them were ruthlessly underhanded because I felt justified in it. I don't think she would forgive me because part of my revenge from the beginning was to make sure this lj simply wouldn't just go away but instead remain like a swollen tumor to bother her. it's long not mattered anymore and pretty silly it's still here, isn't it? I'd take it down and put it all to rest in a heartbeat if I felt she was genuinely remorseful not just for what happened in tokyo, but rather for what really upset me from the beginning: taking advantage of our relationship and my trust in her to act like she acted and did what she did. it was over nothing in the big picture but that's what hurt me: being made to feel worthless and so repugnant by someone when you're most vulnerable, by someone you piled all your trust in, by someone you genuinely felt would never ever do something to hurt you but rather save you because you saved each other so many times over the years.

it's kind of a sad story to me but understandably amusing to most everyone else. I only wanted to get it off my chest one last time.

someone posted this worthwhile article on japan nite at sxsw in austin this year and a mangling, scathing criticism of emily on the last entry. it's really bad. who is still subsidizing this minimally talented nobody girl to play indie japanese rock star for so long so badly? she must be only surrounded by men she's blown to be in the sort of bubble where you're apparently this terrible but nobody bothers to tell you.

http://rockoutjapan.com/2011/03/japan-nite-2011-sxsws-annual-japanese-showcase-leaves-austin-screaming-banzai/

on another note, i'll do my best to keep this journal here and play with some ideas to make it at least a little more interesting when i have the time, at least until nobody is reading. i made a twitter but i'm not very good at it, but i thought it'd be a better compromise for those who mentioned reading about my personal things when i'm reluctant to do that on the journal. my lj info has the link if you want to saunter over. it might be fun to try but don't be shocked if i delete it!

i really appreciate the comments and everything too. thank you everyone for taking the time to share your thoughts about this nothing space.

is there a reason to take this journal toward somewhere else? i'm lost on what purpose it serves for other than being the go-to place to share news or gossip about this girl, but i haven't come across any updates third-hand or otherwise that have me give a shit, to be honest. maybe you guys still want it here and like the idea of keeping it here even if at the moment there is a dry spell, but i'll take any suggestions or ideas to make it more majority-pleasing if i agree with it. i'm not trying to evolve away from the formula or franchise this into something else, but rather to offer something you guys would enjoy. if not, don't worry about it. it doesn't have to be here anymore either. i don't think any real person cares about her. even so i can keep it here just for the sake of remaining.

any ideas or way to stimulate conversation, i'm all for it if it makes people happier about this nothing livejournal. if nobody cares or even prefers, i can take it down. i don't get much out of it if i just kept it for myself, but my lolita bride rolls her eyes when her eyes catch the url as she's scrolling through my firefox bookmarks and asks me when i'm going to take it off. i have a life on the internet, though it's a lot less than it was years ago, but i've always tried my best to be low-profile. at the same time, i've grown to meet a handful of people that have become friends i can actually converse with and foster closeness, chill with them at their homes, meet their families, etc. although a couple of them less so because of my shyness which makes me feel like an asshole (some of them really do try to reach out and get me a little closer in some sort of conversation but i hesitate). i'm on facebook although i don't have very many friends at all, i tried twitter but lost interest, although i just created a new one to try again. i'm taking advice and trying to be a little more connectable, baby steps with the internet, and into real life. i'm not a hermit or too much of an awkward geek but my lolita bride swears i could have a much more of a social life if i tried. i really need it to get away from other personal problems, get my head straight, get away from dependencies, live a more clean and fulfilling life. i guess you could say it's kind of a way to rehabilitate, but don't laugh, i'm well-aware this is a very desperate way to go about it. i just don't know another.

i feel like moving away from this oakland g-life someday and go back to la (maybe long beach where i have some old friends), but it would be hard as my bride is pretty young and her parents (against anything i ever thought) somehow mustered enough tolerance to have let her live here with me since the end of summer up to now. oakland is okay but oakland really strangles naivety which is how so many of us, young and not from here, a lot from the suburbs, end up being either these annoying assholes called crustpunks, hipsters (ie: rich kids pretending to be poor patronizing art galleries and shit), or swallowed up by the grimy house show/party scene i tried when i first moved here, and end up slowly but surely finding a stubborn grip on their throat after they dabble in heroin a little too much too often. it gets old so fast especially when it feels like the appeal of oakland is dead. oakland is oakland, i couldn't find myself living across the bridge in the city, and elsewhere in the bay never appealed to me. i guess i'm bored and out of place. i'm only used to living in big cities, urban the better, but i'm bored here. i ended up here out of all places because i took a chance, i felt i was in love with someone that may have loved me too, so i abandoned my comfort and everything else but my clothes and car and it did work out as best i could ever dream being hopelessly in love with a girl that i never tire of when we're constantly, constantly at an arm's length distance from each other at all times. it never tires. now if life could come together for both of us where i can feel i can succeed enough to take care of her the way she deserves, i'll be a little more satisfied with who i am.

shifting away from my personal shit i ramble onward about (it could be the ambien and xanax that didn't do much to help me sleep), that's all i have to say. i'm sorry if it comes across like i'm sneakily finding any excuse to make sure i can get an audience to read my personal nothings, but i hope some of you guys do contribute your opinions, thoughts, degrading comments, about the future and evolution (or lack of) the journal. what is it now? is it what it was a year or two ago? could we make it better some way you think? is it all meaningless now? i delete a lot of things like very personal livejournals i had kept for years or a deviantart i upheld for quite a while without thinking twice about erasing it forever so the end-game solution to just delete all of this wouldn't be a big deal. i really don't know if anyone cares anymore. just let me know i guess, if someone is reading and would comment. i hope all of you are warm and as happiest as life and your will within it will let you be. thank you for giving me some reason to feel like somebody does read and care little things i have to ask or share once in a while. this entire silliness permeating this livejournal still has me smiling either way.

merry xmas to everyone. here's to another year and thank you for the endless amusement. i wish i had more to say or share, but i hope everyone else has a warm and happy holiday time.

my girlfriend mentioned just now that she heard a rumor emily dated demetri martin and i don't know who that is, but she was wondering if it was true.

i've moved into my own place off telegraph avenue as of monday and this is the first time my pc has been online in months - thanks to tethering a connection through my mobile until i get my own real broadband installed here. this is a very momentous occasion for me because now i feel like i've sort of made it through those weird months of my life as a vagrant, on my own, to settle into a normal life and my routines which i'm happy to have again. i can say with all sincerity that i didn't have to suck japanese businessman dick (and brag about it) to get anywhere.

in any case, i have mostly kept up with the discussions and whatever, but i haven't been too engaged since i had thought the post-album release wouldn't really go anywhere but plateau as far as drama goes, which it looks like it sort of has. i haven't watched the performance videos if there were any posted; i guess i don't really care since in perspective they're not terribly relevant beyond anyone that would recognize her from youtube anyway. it doesn't particularly seem like it's going anywhere beyond where we see it now, mostly because she didn't write the music or have any creative input on them, but maybe she'll figure out a way to piggyback on the talent of someone else. who knows anymore. but i do know regardless of what does or doesn't happen, she'll still be in tokyo, living off everyone else but herself, and trying again and again to remake and resell herself just as she has done on the net since puberty up to now.

at the same time, nothing about this is unforgivable. for myself, i think it would be nice to talk to her again someday. she may feel i've been extremely ruthless about this since august '07 and purposely prolonging this livejournal up to now just to hurt her the only ways i can, and that isn't anything i can blame her for either. it just makes me uncomfortable to think there is no end to this. i still wish i had my 2ch thread to ask these sorts of questions because i can't tell how anyone else sees it beyond whatever biases they have against her... but these are just my sensations that shouldn't matter to anyone else since it's nothing to give very much thought to.

either way, thank you for the support, everyone.

Hello I've been busy but I've mostly kept up. I'm working 6 days a week in Oakland on Piedmont Avenue, come say hello sometime since I barely have time to do anything but use my day off and free time to chill with my girlfriend. It also didn't occur to me to try different browsers for Android on my mobile because they suck and the default one had a script problem with posting entries, but this new one I'm using is pretty good. So here I am and that's all about me.

Did the album get released yet or? Physical or digital only? Serey looks like he was sorta pushed away back to Montreal... I wonder if things like this just fall into place for her or she's simply fucking the right people.

Ill get around to posting the entry I meant to write a while ago for a real cause, it's only today I've found the time and remembered to write in here, so for now here is room foor comments! I'm still astounded to get such comments here up to now...